Megz

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Sep. 5th, 2008

08:24 am - one year later...

nothing has changed.
same old same old.
working a billion hours to pay all my bills and wondering why i didn't just stay at home where i would live the exact same life just with fewer bills.
should be sleeping as i worked 16 hours last night and am going back to work at 3.
Thats basically my life update. woot

Current Mood: blank

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Sep. 3rd, 2007

09:40 pm

todays been an interesting day...up and down up and down

Jager died.
I bougth Diva.
Was pumped to make an appointment for my tattoo and get some piercings with tom.
Tom shows up at my apartment a half hour after the place closes.
We go see Superbad (hilarious)
I feel sad and alone.

I know life is a roller coaster but seriously....give me a barf bag.

Current Mood: confused

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Jun. 3rd, 2007

05:56 pm - To the most horrible person I know...

Everyday when you wake up the first words out of your mouth to me are insults. When I come home from work...insults...if i even pass by you in the house...insults. If you really hate me that much then you know what? FUCK YOU! You didn't hate me when I was up at Tom's and you wanted to go out to eat..did you? You are a manipulative bitch. You use people til you get what you want and when you don't need them anymore you treat them like absolute shit.
So I'm giving you what you want, as usual. From now on...you don't know me. I am no one to you (as if thats any different). You will not call, text or im me. When I move you will not know where I live. You can find someone else to carry your shit around from home to school and vice versa. I'm done with you. You can go fuck yourself for all I care.
If I am such a alcoholic, selfish, coke fiend slut then you probably shouldn't associate with me. And thats fine.
You make a point on birthdays and any other holiday to not say "happy birthday" or whatever the occassion calls for. Why's that? Because if you did that you would have to acknowledge that not everything is about you. I am not the type of person to say I'm great or do great things but I graduated from nursing school, I worked my ass off...and you couldn't even say congratulations. Why? Because becoming a nurse is something you could never do...and I did it.
I have been insulted, put down, teased, etc by you enough...if I am the horrible person you insist I am then just pretend I don't exist. Let everything continue to be about you, and let everyone fall at your feet. But I will be no part of it. You are the most selfish, heartless, bitchiest, person I have ever known, and I can't stand to even look at you.
I hope someday you meet somebody just like you and then you'll realize, but it will be too late because eventually everyone is going to see right through you, like I do and you'll be alone. And I hope you're are completely and totally alone with the only company being a stupid bitch like you just there to insult you and point out your every flaw (and believe me you have them).

Current Mood: pissed off

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May. 2nd, 2007

02:02 pm - grrrr

So I'm pretty mad at myself...i binged pretty hardcore and I couldn't throw up for the life of me....my head is killing me and now...and no results...so I went for the option of getting it out the other way...I still feel like crap.

So gotta keep this under control and stop eating before I weigh 300 pound and they need to bulldoze my house to get me out...

bleh...tomorrow hopefully I can take a break from eating tomorrow....

Current Mood: disappointed

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Feb. 27th, 2007

08:11 pm - Sex and the City

I am Carrie in a relationship with mr big. I'm remembering the episode where Carrie gets annoyed because she thinks about their relationship all the time and he seems to never think of her at all. ding ding ding!!!

Everyday lately I'm wondering does he think of me ever? Seeing as he hasn't said one word to me in 4 days. I want to wait it out...I want to wait and see how long til he wants to talk to me...with my luck I'll have to end up saying something so that I'll know if I have a place to stay during my mentorship or not. I don't get it at all. Apparently I did something wrong because he's clearly moved on...

clearly I'm just one of those girls and love is just a word to be used to get me to stay around. love is a fucking lie.

venting is a wonderful thing...seeing as I can't talk to him I can talk to myself :P

Current Mood: rejected

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Jan. 30th, 2007

01:45 pm - The Final Round

So today was the first day of clinical...thankfully Melissa (my instructor) is really nice and instead of getting out at 2 we ended up getting out at 12:30. Tomorrow is an early day though...but we're not doing meds so it shouldn't be too bad.

Last night me and heather nazi-cised...and developed a new admiration for Carmen Electra...hopefully we will be doing that again tonight, because i really need to do something. I have WW tomorrow and I really need to get back on track, meaning no more Taco Bell for a while. I also ended up going to bed at like 10 last night...mostly because I didn't want to think about anything because I didn't want to get myself upset over something that is never going to change and partially because I was tired.

I have decided that I need to stop being overly nice and giving people a million chances...meaning if you do not make an effort to talk to me I'm not going to do so for you either...so if I have been the one contacting you lately be it via phone call, text message, or im and you haven't been even making the slightest effort to just say hi everyone once and a while...I quit, if you really want to talk to me, you'll make some effort...its a two way street.

There's only 6 weeks til I start my mentorship...then its like another 6 or 7 til i graduate....eeeeek

And on that note I guess I should get ready and call heather for our nazi-cising session. One day I will not be the fat girl so people are going to have to start thinking of something else to pick on me for...

Current Mood: okay

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Dec. 28th, 2006

08:02 pm - Christmas :)

This definitely was one of the best Christmases I've had...

I'm a happy girl

Current Mood: loved

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Dec. 14th, 2006

08:02 pm - sometimes...

...he makes me really happy :)

Current Mood: happy

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Dec. 12th, 2006

08:29 pm - When will I be loved

I wish I could feel the happiness your supposed to feel.
I wish I could stop this feeling of sadness.
I wish I was good enough.

Current Mood: depressed

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Nov. 27th, 2006

07:38 pm - Santa baby

dear santa,

I've been occassionally good this year and you should bring me this from Kay Jewelers:


omg I LOOOOVE it

oooooor this:




size 8.5 (fat fingers)Thanks, you're a pal

Alloy





















And Delias











Thanks mom...errr...santa

Current Mood: energetic

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Nov. 21st, 2006

05:55 pm

I'm ready to explode...I'm at the point where I don't think I can hold it in anymore. People are fucking oblivious...nobody gives a shit about anybody else. All everyone ever does is lie to each other and make each other feel like shit...all the time. Its like if you really cared you'd do this or you wouldn't do that. I thought everything was getting better and I wasn't going to be crying all the time...and now I'm on the edge all the time. And you know what? Nobody cares....and they shouldn't, its my problem. Its my fault for not sticking up for myself and being such a fucking doormat. And if someone were to ask me "are you upset with me?" I'd probably just say no to avoid the argument and I hate to make people feel bad or sad or whatever. Truth is if you have to ask me that, I probably am upset with you, and you're probably being a tool and I just don't want to hurt your feelings. So here I go sucking it up and moving on again.

Current Mood: pissed off

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Nov. 20th, 2006

08:44 pm - rollercoaster

Sometimes I'm really happy...like corny happy. Like that awww in love everything is wonderful happy...but lately I have gotten little to no sleep and my moods have been all over the place. I'll be wicked uncontrollably hyper, then I'm crying, then I'm corny happy then I'm exhausted. Its ridiculous. I'm back to where I was when I can't just shake off little things...someone says something that hurts me and I don't say anything to them but I'll be upset about it, I'll cry about it. And they never know. And then I think I would really feel like shit if I knew I was making someone cry and they just couldn't tell me. But then again if I didn't know...ok I don't make any sense.

I've become an expert at hiding whats really bothering me. I hide so many things that I don't even remember them until I start thinking about what people dont know about me.

In other news I need to lose 11 more pounds by Christmas according to the goal I set which would bring me to a total loss of 26 pounds...that would be nice...free lipo would be nicer...but I'll deal. :)

Current Mood: indescribable

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Nov. 19th, 2006

01:24 am - AHHHHHH

I'm slowly losing my mind. I finished a 7 page paper, updated a treatment plan and edited a mental status report. 7 pages about one person's mental status...ridiculous. Makes me want to die...but no I have a ton of shit to do:
-group presentation on breast and cervical cancer tomorrow
-work, work and more work
-study for Psych
-find articles that prove that people going through detox would benefit from relaxation techniques and stress management exercises
-summarize said articles
design some type of display with pamphlets to distribute said techniques
-...and then theres still the 1/2 hour presentation at Heritage House
-and the 2 hour presentation at PAACA.

I have two weeks to do all then and then there's finals...3 finals. Yea...hopefully I'll get my Christmas shopping done. I want to go to New York or something...I'll even settle for the Providence Place Mall because they decorate it all pretty...just to get in the spirit...which I'm totally not.

I don't know whats going on for christmas...I'm pretty sure I'm not working but I dunno if my family will be able to suck it up and smile long enough to sit through a dinner...we'll see what happens...

Current Mood: stressed

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Oct. 18th, 2006

08:15 pm - Another one bitest the dust

One more week down. A million more to go...or so it seems. Supposed to be writing a paper...again. This one is probably more important, actually its definitely worth more than the paper from last week. I should also prepare questions for my psych client. Otherwise he will continue to call me Nurse Ratchett and ask me if I know Jack Kovorkian.

In other news I totalled my car monday. That was nice. There isn't much damage to the outside but the airbags went off and somehow the drivers side door wont open and the passenger's side airbag broke the windshield. freakin awesome. But at least I don't have to clean it...lol...and I get a new car.

I don't know what to be for Halloween...supposed to be going to a party with Tom. Hopefully i think of something soon.

Alright seriously. Paper. Go.

Current Mood: tired

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Oct. 14th, 2006

01:00 am - confession

Just incase my wish comes true....

I really hate myself right now. I used to be funny, I used to be happy. Lately I'm sad all the time and I have to work so hard to cover it up that by the time I get home I'm exhausted. I'm way too tired for this anymore. Most nights I go to bed wishing that I will have a heart attack in my sleep or something so I don't have to wake up and do this all over again.
I don't tell anyone because honestly...who cares? People get sad. People suck it up and deal with it. No one wants to hear someone cry and complain. But people don't realize how hurtful they are and I won't tell them because I don't want to lose people from my life all together. I wish I could do everyone a favor and disappear but I don't have the balls to do it right now even though sometimes I wish I did.
I'm so sad. I just don't want to cry anymore.

Current Mood: depressed

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Oct. 10th, 2006

07:38 pm - 228 days...

There is so much to do this week I'm going insane.

I have one half hour presentation, one 2 hour presentation, 2 papers, and one nursing care plan due (and a partridge in a pear tree)....all within the next 3 days. And what am I doing? Writing in a livejournal.

I am apparently horrible at this thing because I haven't posted in over a month and everytime I do post I realize its been so long that I don't remember my username or password.

In any news I'm psychotic. Um...yeah...thats about it. I don't really think anyone really reads this so I'm just going to tell myself that and finally write down what constantly goes on in my headRachel and I had a big conversation about how you can talk yourself into believing anything and I find that I do this WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY too often. By the end of almost everyday I have myself talked into believing that I am alone. That everyone lies. And that everyone I know now, is just like everyone I knew before. And its a crappy feeling. Another crappy feeling is I'm supposed to be thinking of two good qualities about myself that I truly believe...and yea...I have no idea. I'm nice. I'm caring. There we go...but those are bullshit answers and theres no way I'm going to get away with it. I need to snap out of this rut I'm in...I'm used to being the one to make everyone happy but lately thats exhausting and I come home at the end of the day completely wiped out from keeping that fake smile on my face and tra la la. Dont get me wrong there are times when I'm truly happy be it..when I'm acting like an ass in Music or when I'm with Tom...but lately that crash at the end of the day has been hitting harder, I've been feeling lonelier and even though no one has done anything to me to make me think it, I feel like no one really cares. Yea....i'm dumb...but I can't help it. Hopefully those happy times will keep me from doing anything stupid like drive to the nearest airport and take off for Zimbabwe. Somebody out there loves me and I'm just going to have accept that, right?

I should be writing a paper on the Pandemic movie about AIDS but as you can tell this is not happening. 228 days til graduation...not that I'm counting. I was wicked ADD today I don't even remember what I was talking about but I was laughing. Hard. And it was nice. Past few days I've been able to really laugh and mean it...hopefully theres more of that to come.

Ok this is rambling ...I'm either going to work on this paper (which is due tomorrow fyi) or I'm going to...I don't know do something else apparently.

Current Location: Mah Bed

Current Mood: stressed

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Sep. 1st, 2006

09:58 pm - hmmm

Wednesday starts my first day of classes...eek!!!!!

I'm looking forward to this year in a way. But in another way...i'm scared that I have to be a grown up. I'm also scared of trusting the people around me...but for now I am...things will work out...i've worked to hard and come to far to go back now.

In other news the sister moves to college sunday...will it be a good thing or a bad thing? Good: she will not be here to say hateful things and drive me to the brink of insanity...Bad: I will be the only one home for my parents to focus on, but then again I don't plan on being home all that often either.

<3 I'm in a good mood despite the wierdness of my household right now.

Current Mood: giddy

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Jul. 30th, 2006

08:58 pm - and so...

I'm back from vacation back to work and all that jazz...

Misquamicut was fun...I got drunk without getting sick which is always awesome.

Lots of relaxing movies and whatnot...came home with some battle scars but it was definitely a good time.

Back to work which was not so fun...getting up early is definitely not my strong point but lately we've all been pretty delerious so we just call each other anal whores and everyone is happy. :)

Went to The Garden last night with Aaron...2 drinks and we both were done. Thought about going to a kareoke bar and destroying everyone there with our amazing vocals...but then decided against it.

Why do I want to buy Buzz Ballads?.....seriously I want it.

working monday-wednesday then 4 day weekend!!! PLANS?

Current Mood: happy

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Jul. 22nd, 2006

01:44 pm - here's a start

so I have no idea what i'm doing right now...
everyone has had a LJ for their entire lives and I decide out of boredom this afternoon to hop on the wagon...10 years later.

But anywho....
-Started my vacation thursday and have definitely caught up on my sleep since.
-Heading to Misquamicut Beach tonight...if i find my way there it should be good times.
-I am going to eat before drinking...repeat 10 million times.

and thats all she wrote

Current Mood: bored

Current Music: Home- Marc Broussard

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